Posts
I just don't have the heart to pack it away. As much as I wanted 2010 to be gone forever, a part of me wants to hang on for dear life. 2010 will be the last year that I hugged my Mum, heard her beautiful voice, and saw the love she had for me in her eyes. I'll never get that sweet comfort ever again. Every day is one more step farther away from her.
It's true that the move into any new year brings with it a collection of regrets, hopes and remembrances, but when you're still raw from loss, everything seems more vivid, more heartbreaking. 2011, at least for the first few months, will continue to be as upsetting as 2010. The one year anniversary of Mum's death is nearing with every day - it will be the last of the first-year milestones, and the most poignant one of all. So perhaps it does make sense why I'm dragging my feet regarding my Christmas tree. If I can delay the inevitable even by a day or two, perhaps I can feel a little bit closer to my Mum. It may sound silly but right now, it just makes sense.
4 comments:
I just stumbled across your blog....I know what you mean about the year ending and feeling that bit further away from our loved ones.
My mum, sister and daughter died and as each new year begins I feel that little bit further away from them all....and I hate that about grief.
I miss my mum so much some days...I wish there was a phone line to wherever she is. I'm sure your mum is around.....I write a blog too about my losses, my mum and my journey through this new life. I hope to read more of yours.
Sending a hug,
Diana Doyle x
http://sunshineinabluecup.blogspot.com/
Hi Diana,
Thanks so much for visiting and sharing your thoughts. I will definitely visit your blog, and hope that others will follow too.
I do hate the increasing distance that I feel. It's horrible. I'm guessing that it's going to feel much worse once the 1 year anniversary arrives. Not looking forward to it at all.
Once again Jackie, i know exactly how you feel, your comments below are spot on;
"I just don't have the heart to pack it away. As much as I wanted 2010 to be gone forever, a part of me wants to hang on for dear life. 2010 will be the last year that I hugged my Mum, heard her beautiful voice, and saw the love she had for me in her eyes. I'll never get that sweet comfort ever again. Every day is one more step farther away from her."
The pain we have suffered and continue to suffer are dulled slightly by the passage of time, they are still there, no doubt always will be.
On the one hand i want the pain to dull and not be so close to the edge as it hurts, but on the other i need this pain, this is what keeps my mum closer to me.
How do we rationalise this and actually move forward with this ?
Hi DarrenT,
Nice to see you again. I hope you managed to find some joy in the holiday season just passed.
I'm not sure how to move forward. My tree is now packed away but the remnants of my holiday-inspired sadness are still standing strong. For some reason, I'm really feeling her absence as of late. Almost like it just happened. We just passed the 10 month mark and the ache is so strong, and ever present.
I am hoping that the desolate winter is just inflaming my feelings all the more and perhaps with Spring, I feel better. I just remember last year waiting for the Winter to pass, to get to Spring so Mum could once again feel the warm sun on her face, to feel some hope that things were getting better but it never happened.
Maybe that's part of it - I'm really reliving last year's final weeks - despite the fact that at that time, I didn't realize those weeks WERE the final ones.
At this time, I'm just striving to get through... day by day. I can't sugar coat it - it's a struggle.
Post a Comment