It's been six months without Mum, and my attempt to find books that I can relate to on the subject of grieving has left me weary.
I've searched Amazon, and numerous stores in the quest to find *something* that even remotely echoed my sentiments and emotions, and I haven't parted with a single dollar. The closest I've come to unlocking a kindred spirit book-wise was 'The Heart Does Break', a stirring collection of essays by Canadian writers. While not every account spoke to me, several did especially Jill Frayne's achingly beautiful piece. This publication ~ one that I discovered before my Mum died ~ is still a lone presence on my nightstand.
I'm not religious, and only somewhat spiritual. The majority of the books on the market cater to this segment of the population. I wish there were more accounts of the grieving process that didn't revel so much in abstract ideas, or fantasy. I'm thirsty for reality, even if it hurts. Such tomes could possibly prove to be a more gritty and less comfortable read, but I would welcome them - warts and all. In my experience, grieving isn't pretty. It's suffocating, dark and cold. Focusing on another world (heaven?) is a comforting notion but I yearn for a more tangible reflection of the process too.
Bookshelves are tumbling over with etiquette guides to all of life's major events: births, engagements, weddings, even divorces but there's a lack of guidance when it comes to death, and grieving. Unfortunately, there are no lessons on how to behave when someone dies, or how to deal with those who are left behind. Sure, it's not the most happy of topics to study, or discuss, but I wish there was some sort of protocol as to what should - and shouldn't - be said.
"Isn't it time you moved on?" "Feel better -she's in a better place"
"How long are you going to be like this?" "Life goes on."
"Get over it already" "You can't live in the past."
Just a sampling of my particular non-favourite phrases said to me, or others that I know - all of us members of the club of motherless daughters. Perhaps the people who uttered these 'words of wisdom' thought it was better to say something... even if it was somewhat misguided? I can understand the discomfort in speaking up when someone dies. It's horrible. I'm not a fan either, but a simple "I'm sorry" is always a good choice especially when the alternative can sting - even unintentionally.
Sticks and stones can hurt but words can too.
It was fitting that on the six month milestone of my Mum's death it was raining - nonstop, bucketing down.
The weather was somewhat poetic - mirroring what I was feeling at this half-way point of my first year without Mum.
A few months ago, I figured that with time I'd feel more settled, more accepting of my Mum's passing.
I still think of Mum most hours of the day. The six month milestone was very difficult, not only the day itself but the lead up to it. Missing her so very very much. Six months on, not much has changed.
I wish that I could hear her voice one more time.
I wish that I could sit beside her, feel her warm embrace and soft skin.
I wish she was here to enjoy the glorious Summer just passed.
I wish for so many things....
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It's been six months without Mum, and my attempt to find books that I can relate to on the subject of grieving has left me weary.
