Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Year Past

It's hard to imagine that I have experienced one full year since my Mum died. 

The first Easter, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthday. Despite the year being only the passage of twelve months it seems to feel like it's been much longer. I hate the thought of this distance. Sometimes it feels like my Mum has been gone for much longer. It worries me that I will begin to forget her voice, her touch and her laugh. The longer that I am away from her, the more faint she becomes. 

The journey of making my way in a Mum-less world didn't end when the calendar flipped to the year mark. If anything, I'm finding a new perspective on my situation as each day passes. The pain of missing her hasn't faded. If anything, I seem to miss her more on regular days than I do during holidays. She was part of my daily routine. Phone calls, visits... we didn't wait for holidays, or special occasions to get in touch. We spoke every day. Sometimes multiple times. The daily grind is truly that... a grind - but with each day, I try to move forward just as my Mum would have wanted me to. 

I wanted to start this blog as a way for me to express my feelings during the worst spells of my life. I do feel that the writing process helped. Keeping feelings bottled up inside is never advisable. 

So what's next? 

For now, I plan to keep this blog active. My journey is still on-going and I'm not sure where I'll end up. 


Unknown said...

Thanks for starting this blog. I lost my mum only 3 months ago. Just like you, we spoke several times in a day! I miss not being able to share the most random things with her. I often used to call her on my way from work to pick up my twins from nursery to arrange what time my girls (3yr old twins) could call her to share their day at nursery with her. They had their 4th birthday party 2 weeks ago and I actually had to take some herbal calms to get me through the day without her. I wanted to be happy for my girls.

I will welcome your words in your blog as someone who I feel was lucky enough to share the same amazing relationship with their mum as I had, but sad enough to have lost that relationship too.

Much love. Rachel. X x

Jackie said...

Hi Rachel. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your mum 3 months ago. I know that ache so well. Losing someone so important can make you feel like the loneliest person in the world - but please know that you're not alone.

I found that it helped to share stories about my mum with others who were in the same situation. It doesn't make you miss your mum any less, but it's comforting to celebrate her with people who understand.

Please feel free to visit here anytime. I hope my experience can help - even if it's just a little bit.


Leah Harris said...

Hi Jackie.. I lost my mum nine weeks ago.. I count every day as it goes by.. My dad tries to look at it as it's another day we've got through but I look at it as another day further away from the last time I held her hand.. I was very lucky to have my mum and I too had a very close bond.. She lived round the corner and I seen her and spoke to her constantly throughout the day. She was my rock, my inspiration. My spine. And now I am empty. I have only just found ur blog but it has been comforting to read as I thought I was the only person who ever felt this way.. Thanku.

Jackie said...

Hi Leah,
I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's death. I found that the holidays are a particularly hard time when you're missing someone. Please know that you are not alone - there are many of us who feel very similar to you. You probably didn't see my latest post. I recently wrote an article for a Canadian magazine's website about dealing with loss over the holidays. It might help you feel a little better, knowing that there is no right or wrong way to mark the occasion. It's important to be true to yourself and let yourself feel what ever it is that you are feeling. I'm not sure if the link will work in the comments, but here it is… if it doesn't work, please visit my most recent post and you can access it from there. Thinking of you -- Jackie